Body Dysmorphia
According to the Body Mass Indices which compare height and weight, I am overweight.
On my wedding day October 27, 2013 I weighted 143lbs. My husband asserts I was anorexic. At 5’6” with a medium frame, I was not remotely underweight. My body had always been healthy and strong, and it was the weight I had been used to since my college days in the late 80s/early 90s.
Fast forward to 2018 and the scale consistently rests at 155lbs. While it might teeter upwards to 158lb or even drop to 152lbs, my new “normal” for the past couple of years seems to be the mid 150s. I ran a ½ marathon in May 2016 and after 6 months of training the scale never dropped below 152lbs.
For a woman who has suffered body-dysmorphia her whole life, getting comfortable with a weight that by all body mass indices places me in the “overweight” category intrigues me. Even a recent doctor visit confirmed that I am technically overweight and need to lose at least 5lbs. 10-15lbs would be more towards “normal.”
Seriously?! I have to do more than the five days of hot yoga, Pilates and core workouts I already do weekly? I have to do more than the relatively simple, clean meals that my family consistently critiques as “boring” and “healthy”? I have to cut out the delicious baked goods that I used to make weekly but have cut back to once a month?! Sure, I can do more but, seriously, I don’t want to!
I am close to 50 years old and for the first time in my life I do not abhor my body. I do not feel super sexy and I would rather not be naked. But, alas, I am strong and capable and full of energy and, at base, I do not feel “ugly.” Do I seriously need to do more?…
What I know is that it wasn’t until the summer of 2009 when I prayed to God to remove the insanity of my body image problems, when I finally incorporated GQ into my life equation, that I began to experience some freedom. Bear in mind, for 18 months I had worked with a personal trainer, monitored in writing every morsel that I consumed, and wore a body device 24/7 that measured my actual caloric expenditure, before it dawned on me to ask God (rather plead with YHVH) to remove the obsession. It was then that I admitted I was powerless over the feeling of being “fat, flawed, and ugly,” and I began to experience some relief.
For almost a decade I did my part to get “happy” with my body. I became a veritable expert in health as I engaged my IQ to learn all I could about nutrition and exercise. My EQ rose as I applied what I was learning, and I finally gave myself permission to tell others of my struggle. I followed the 12-steps of recovery to find release and came to accept body-dsymorphia as a chemical mis-fire in my brain or the thorn in my side that keeps me dependent on a Higher Power or something beyond my ultimate control. But, I had a mustard seed of “want” to be HAPPY with my body.
It is now 2018, after almost 40 years of not being able to see my body, only its flawed areas and less than perfect form, real or perceived, and I can finally SEE! I am a very healthy middle-aged woman with a body some have described as “sexy” and “hot.” While those terms seem a bit over the top, and while I am not ready to walk the runway, I can SEE! And, you know what? I am pretty dang good looking! WOO HOO!
I am finally at peace, full of joy and free of an addiction which plagued me almost all my life. WHAMO! The doctor and BMI machines tells me I am officially overweight.
HOLY F-ING GOD! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
I finally might be relieved of the burden of body-dysmorphia when I have never technically been overweight. Now, during my most mentally healthy, I am actually officially, technically, overweight?!!! Are you kidding me?!?!
The irony is downright humorous.
So, will I do anything different? Now that I have the facts (IQ), will I change my behaviours (EQ)?
Absolutely not! My IQ knows how to read the numbers on the scale as well as the plethora of research that calls into question the BMI standards. More importantly, my EQ has risen enough I know what I am willing to do and not do with regard to my diet and exercise. Finally, I am most relieved and grateful that there is a God in Heaven who can and will restore us to sanity. (HQ)
Very few people engage in the process to achieve happiness in every area of their life. For those who do, for those who participate in “The Happiness Formula,” sustainable and inexplicable happiness is the only outcome.
Kasandra Vitacca Mitchell is an Author, Speaker, Teacher of Wealth & Happiness with a mission to bring research, wisdom, and authenticity to others via “The Happiness Formula.” (Coming January 2019 #TheHappinessFormulaBook)